College football grades: Complaining coaches show they’re out of touch

Another college football season is winding down, and it’s been an incredible campaign filled with great plays, boneheaded plays, ignorant quotes from coaches − more on that later − and delusional fans who believe their team should never lose. With the Heisman Trophy and College Football Playoff berths hanging in the balance, it’s time to hand out the final grades of 2023 and look forward to the holiday and bowl season.

So, congratulations in advance to the teams that will make the final four … and to Minnesota, the only 5-7 team slated to earn a postseason bid; just know you have no business receiving gifts from bowl sponsors and taking another snap.

Here is the Week 13 analysis of how fans, teams, players and coaches fared: 

The season of complaining

College football coaches take it to an entirely different level. Here are a few beauties from some lucky, highly-paid headset wearers this week.

Wake Forest coach Dave Clawson on being upset by Notre Dame showing a video tribute to former Demon Deacons quarterback Sam Hartman: 

‘We saw it last week (at Notre Dame),’ Clawson said during his midweek press conference. ‘Here’s a guy (Hartman) we recruited and we developed, and they are putting on a video of him, saying, ‘We will always love you.’ I’m like, you only dated him for a couple of months. It can’t be love. We are the ones who love him. We had five years with him. You rented him for a season. They bought him and rented him for a year, and now they love him. When that video played, it’s just like, holy cow, this is where college football is.’ 

Hmmm, not sure if this is a joke or if Clawson was serious, but either way, it was idiotic.

And here is a bit of out-of-touch rhetoric from good old Kirk Ferentz, whose Iowa team has won 10 games despite its offense setting the sport back 100 years in the process. But go ahead about the media.

‘It’s a little tougher today, and with all the ESPN coverage and all that. In fact I was making a comment to a couple guys on staff this morning, I was looking through there and saw three faces on that little thing on the left of your ESPN site, where they’ve got the videos. Three guys that are basically coach killers or player killers that are just like, all they’re trying to do is just stir up controversy.’

Ferentz then went on to complain about a fair catch call that supposedly cost Iowa the game against Minnesota … which was played a month ago.

Honestly, he has more pressing issues to worry about, such as how he will prevent the Hawkeyes from getting run out of Lucas Oil Stadium in the Big Ten championship game against Michigan. And since Iowa isn’t winning a championship anytime soon, he should be thankful he makes millions and still has a job where he can enjoy being mediocre most of the time.

Mute button needed: F

Crazy end to crazy day

There isn’t a chance in hell that people were up watching Colorado State take on Hawai’i, because it wasn’t available on television and could only be watched via Spectrum Sports.

Hawai’i was up eight with less than three minutes to go and had a 45-yard field goal attempt blocked with a chance to seal the victory, giving Colorado State the ball. The Rams took all over four plays to score, connecting on a70-yard pass from Brayden Fowler-Nicolosi to Tory Horton with 54 seconds left and converted the 2-pointer to tie the score at 24.

The Rainbow Warriors, with no timeouts, went from its own 25 to the Rams’ 34-yard line and after an 11-yard pass, rushed the field goal unit on the field. (Watch the highlights below for the visual)

Matthew Shipley then nailed a 51-yard field goal as time expired (the field goal was reviewed and upheld), setting off a wild celebration.

Thrill of victory, agony of defeat: A+

The worst and best of the rest

Punt fever:

Rejoice for all long snappers:

Maserati Marv revvin’ up:

The wrong place for saliva:

Clean up on aisle 3:

Reservations for 100:

Fight!!!!!

DBs are not his Nabers:

Stats for you

2: The number of Jacksonville State kickoff returns this season. The Gamecocks gained 31 yards on those two returns.

2: Kickoff returns for touchdowns by Baylor’s Richard Reese against West Virginia. Reese’s returns went for 96 and 93 yards.

3: Kickoff returns for touchdowns this season for Eastern Michigan, which leads the nation.

24.5: Over/under total for Iowa-Nebraska. Iowa won 13-10.

192: Rushing yards in the first half for Missouri back Cody Schrader. The senior ended with a career-high 217 yards in the Tigers’ 48-14 win over Arkansas.

527: Passing yards for Arizona quarterback Noah Fifita against Arizona State, the most by an FBS quarterback this season.

11,193: Career passing yards for Maryland quarterback Taulia Tagovailoa, setting the Big Ten Conference’s all-time record.

$500,000: Amount that suspended Michigan head coach Jim Harbaugh earned with the Wolverines’ victory over Ohio State.

The Dog of the Week

This beautiful pup, Trebek, an Aussie Shepherd, is co-parented by Alison Bogusz and Steve Decker and was decked out in Purdue gear on Saturday.

Now to the game: Penn State at Michigan State

The hounds made one final road trip, to Detroit’s Ford Field on Friday, where the day before, the building’s usual tenants slogged their way to a seventh straight Thanksgiving loss. To continue the losing holiday weekend, Michigan State played host to Penn State and couldn’t be bothered to show up. The Spartans gained a grand total of 53 yards, went 2-for-13 on third down, had eight three-and-outs, and entered Penn State territory only twice. For a more visual representation of their drives, it looked like this: interception, punt, punt, punt, halftime, punt, punt, punt, punt, punt, punt, punt.

The pups don’t have to go through any more torture this season watching bad football and can just relax. Still, they wanted to wish all of those who read this column (even the ignorant people who email) a very safe and happy holiday.